In Retrospection.

Every time I walk home from the office (which is every day), I always have lots of thoughts in mind.  Sometimes, I wish my brain was attached to some sort of computer that would literally write everything I’ve been thinking off.  Usually, I’d think about what to write but when I sit in front of my aging laptop, all those thoughts seem to be left in the streets along with my footsteps (and yes, I’m trying to be creative).  I often wonder why but that is one question I really can’t find an answer to.

I’ve always wanted a lot for myself.  I’ve always dreamed big.  I’ve always pictured myself to be a big shot whatever in my chose field of whatever.  See, I am that lost.  I’ve always been jealous of the people who knew what they wanted to be from the very start.  At times, I’d fool myself into thinking that those are boring people – those who planned everything ahead and are sure of what they want to become.  But come to think of it, some of them were lucky to actually finish what they started, some are luckier because along the way, they found out what the true desire of their hearts are.  I am jealous of that.

I remember one conversation with a friend back when I was wasting my time doing nothing but bumming and drinking and hanging out.  And I’m not regretting any of those; it was the time of my life that I was so carefree without worrying about anything.  It was the total freedom of life.  Anyway, back to the story, a friend told me that he sees me as a lost soul (and by lost, I think he meant “directionless”).  Back then, I was wary of decisions regarding work and what I really want to achieve in life.  He told me to find my passion because that’s one thing anyone can’t take away.  And I think he was right.

Right now, I still am not sure of what I want to become.  Of whom I want myself to be in the next, I don’t know… 10, 20, 30 years maybe.  And I tell you, if you ask how I see my future, I’d honestly tell you that I HAVE NO IDEA.  I think I’m stuck in what I’ve always perceived myself to be.  And I don’t even know what I want to be for crying out loud.

So now, I’m sure what my mission in my right-now life is, I must find my passion. Maybe I’ve been reading Bedroom Blog too much.  Maybe I can really just relate to Veronica (yes, coincidentally the pseudonym of the writer is Veronica) in terms of what she feels towards life.  Or maybe I’m just jealous, yet again, of how she is in a position where she mixes complication and fun in her life.  I think I need that.  And I’m serious about that.